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Conversation With an Ex-Bastard and Why Stella Didn’t Need to Search For Her Groove In the First Place

June 12, 2008

If you were given the chance to have a conversation with an ex that really hurt you, what would your first words to him/her be?

I think mine would be, “Thank you…” followed by a lot of other words.

Goes something like this:

Thank you for being a complete jerk and an asshole and leaving me without warning, because it has taught me that we all have to eventually learn how to move on by ourselves. After days, then weeks of wondering where you were and if you were even still alive, I just had to guess that you were probably okay and had decided to continue your life without me in it.

Of course I was devastated, you selfish bastard. No one knew that though, because I kept up an Oscar worthy façade. But dammit it hurt! It hurt like hell to know that after months and months of wasting my life on learning to love you; and wasting my breath telling you about my fears and secrets; and giving you my undivided attention when you came to me about your issues…that after all that…after planning that surprise meeting behind my back; after making life mean a little more to me–you could just…vanish without a simple goodbye.

And yea I didn’t cry for the first three months because I secretly still loved you and believed deep down in my heart that you would come back soon. And I swore to myself that even if you gave me the sorriest, fakest excuse, you would still make my heart melt and I would once again invite you to envelope me in your warm embrace.

But it never came.

So I cried….once…just once….a deep and guttural cry out to you, wherever you were…and you still didn’t hear me. But I only allowed myself to do that once because of my pride.

Then I stopped, realizing that you’re just a human being; a bastard of a human being, but nevertheless, a human being. And I learned that no matter how hard you try, you can’t control anyone but yourself. So I stopped trying.

And I picked myself up; told myself that I lived before you and dammit I would continue to live long after your memory had faded.

So I did just that.

I lived.

I enjoyed life and all that it had to offer. The lilies that bloom in spring, the simple joy that comes with a single ray of sunset illuminating my bed. And even the annoying rhythmic thuds that came from my flat mate’s side of the wall in the middle of the night.

And I learned to smile again…by myself. To laugh again…by myself. And to realize that I must first be able to enjoy life alone, before I can enjoy it with someone else.

Anyone can make me smile and laugh, but only I can make myself happy.

So once again, thank you, you sick fuck.


Then I realized that he’s a guy and giving him this speech would do nothing but bore him and give him even more cause to ignore me. So I changed my mind and decided that if I were ever given the chance to have a conversation with my ex-bastard, I would simply pass up on the offer because he’s not worth my time and words. His actions and the lessons I’ve learned from them were enough for me.

26 Comments leave one →
  1. June 12, 2008 3:20 PM

    give us men a bad name and my folk did a review and interview on me so chk it

  2. June 12, 2008 3:25 PM

    I hope writing it out was cathartic at least.And yeah, you’re right: a speech like that would be wasted on a man like him.

  3. June 12, 2008 6:15 PM

    I would hate to be the ex-bastard after reading this!

  4. June 12, 2008 7:03 PM

    bumight took the exact words right out of my mouth… lol@ “even the annoying rhythmic thuds that came from my flat mate’s side of the wall in the middle of the night”i think your second approach is a more civilised way even though the first approach seems like the more action packed way.

  5. June 15, 2008 12:33 PM

    @Torrance-I wasn’t giving men a bad name, I was just giving my ex-bastard a bad name lol@GNG-It was quite cathartic at 3am when I typed it.@Bumight-I would hate to be him too@Incog-Lol yea…I used to get so mad at her…

  6. June 15, 2008 5:23 PM

    Damn…that is what i call a release. Thank god you got your smile back…he so doesn’t deserve you.Nicely written…

  7. June 16, 2008 11:08 AM

    well said…….why bother??????just ignore his sorry assand strut so he sees what he is missing!!!!!!!!

  8. June 17, 2008 8:12 AM

    Girl, yeah i gues the latter will be a blow to him, which he’ll deserve anyway. Don’t waste all that energy on some good-for-nothing mur…fu!Walk with your head held high. Believe you me he won’t even recognise you.How you doing babes? Was supposed to be here in a long time. What really kept me? Aaahhggg! I’m here how you?

  9. June 17, 2008 11:36 AM

    Dannnng Rayo, that story looks like a page from my life…the exact same thing…didn’t know if he was dead or alive…then finally get him on the phone and he gives some stupid excuse..I kept waiting for a call apologizing, I was sooo ready to forgive him….for God’s sake this bastard asked me out for over 3 years..Only difference was I didn’t and never will cry for him…It changed to disgust real quick…met someone 20 times better…

  10. June 17, 2008 5:39 PM

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  11. June 18, 2008 4:04 AM

    Men can be punks, just as women can be Jezeebels. I got hurt really bad once, but when contact was made with the ex, I had by this time decided not to let it get to me. Boy, did that make her feel bad! :-)Showa, sha? How’s the swimming?

  12. June 18, 2008 10:33 AM

    On the contrary to Bumight’s thot….the guy’ll believe it got you real deep (which, though true isn’t what you trying to pass along). Hence, as you rightly said; it will “bore him and give him even more cause to ignore me.” So, i’d rather….go all the way with him (oops, not in that sense ‘dirty minds’) and let him realise that, though he hurt, i got a grip of my life & living it to the fullest. If peradventure, there’s someelse online….you flaunt him.Now, this will make him go…**, i actually lost her (note, he said…i lost her ‘cos there’s someone else). ’twill definitely get to him and you’ll have the last laugh.

  13. June 19, 2008 5:19 AM

    “I would simply pass up on the offer because he’s not worth my time and words. His actions and the lessons I’ve learned from them were enough for me.”Yep! its btr not 2 waste ur breath & time cos he aint worthy.How u dey?

  14. June 19, 2008 8:09 PM

    @Jarrai-Nothing…well, almost nothing…will make me permanently lose this smile.Thank you.@Ibiluv-Amen!@Jaybabe-Well, as long as you come by, then I don’t mind. I’ve been well…trying to cope with the real world. How are you?@Afrobabe-Sorry to hear that you went through the same thing…I know how it feels. If you can do it, don’t cry for that a-hole…Oooh! Amen to 20 times better@Aworan-It’s true, women can be equally bad. Swimming ke?! God forbid! Haven’t you heard the news? I graduated!!!@Rethots-I would definitely flaunt the other person…I think that’s one of the rules of the game lol@OluwaDee-Yup! No use wasting my breath.I dey oo m’dear…trying to survive in this cruel cruel world.How are you?

  15. June 20, 2008 4:57 AM

    lol@ ibiluv’s comment. Walking away is the best thing, but make sure u r not harboring any ill feeling in ur heart as u walk away…forgiveness is enlightened self interest.

  16. June 20, 2008 7:44 AM

    Sooooooooo been there! and u are ryt, telling him all these would be a waste of precious time! now i tell myself he’s just another page in the book called “my life”, there are still more (way better) pages to be written.

  17. June 20, 2008 3:10 PM

    Its good that you let it out. It helps for you to hear, and sometimes read what you’re feeling, rather than keep it bottled up inside.

  18. June 22, 2008 9:18 PM

    @Ablackjamesbond-Oh no, no ill feelings here…I’ve forgiven him but I will definitely not forget. @Smaragd-Exactly! Take the experience as a lesson learned and moved on. @Archiwiz-Yea…it was definitely cathartic.

  19. June 25, 2008 10:36 AM

    methinks you should have a word with your flat mate to take it easy. haba! doens’t she know you’re in ‘mourning’?

  20. June 25, 2008 4:50 PM

    ooh, chile….Yes oh, don’t bother to waste a breath on that ex. Absolutely not worth it. How body?

  21. June 25, 2008 5:42 PM

    eh, my 1st time here. Wonder where you were when i needed a speech writer…even if the sppech ended up in a bottom drawer, like an unsung hymn…venting is always a grand idea. I know that it hurt like hell, girl but you’ll look back and be proud of yourself for bouncing back. Rock on!

  22. June 26, 2008 10:03 AM

    dis is so nice!hmmm, let me see. do i have ex-bastards, enough 2 waste all dis pain on? well of course, n d first 6 months (ok, i have a 1 n half years situation). den i realised, i had better things 2 do with my emotions.but venting helps though. just remember 2 move on with ur anger too.

  23. June 26, 2008 8:27 PM

    @Jinta-Haha you should have heard what the chick said when I told her. Because I’m a lady, I won’t repeat it.@Solomonsydelle-I’m fine oo…chilling…working, the usual.@Kemmie-Rock on!! I’m glad you could relate.@FFFl.-Thanks, I’ve definitely moved on.

  24. June 29, 2008 4:27 AM

    I think one of the best things you said on this post is this: ”I lived”. That right there was powerful. And that would be the exact response I would give!

  25. September 10, 2008 9:27 PM

    I felt every word that you wrote, and your right expressing those feelings would be a total waste of time on a guy. You would want all of those wasted breaths back in your old age.

  26. September 18, 2008 5:25 AM


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