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January 30, 2008

Found this on Craigslist. It kinda puts my “Adventures at the bank” stories to shame.

I used to work in a large bookstore out in the suburbs. A few months ago, we were visited by the poop walker. Let me explain.

While I’m standing at the customer service desk perfecting my point and lean in answer to “Where’s the Da Vinci Code?” a gentleman comes up to the desk and says there’s a bit of a problem in the bathroom. On a busy Saturday night, there’s pretty much always a problem with the bathroom—toilet paper’s out, someone left a dirty diaper in the middle of the floor, standard back-up. People are pigs. Working in retail, I’ve come to expect nothing more from them.

So I grab our rolling garbage can that has all sorts of nifty bathroom accessories attached to it. I’ll probably need the broom, the extra stack of paper towels will come in handy, hopefully won’t need the plunger and I roll right into the men’s bathroom.

I stop dead in my tracks. There’s a flood. Not a small puddle hovering around the floor drain, but a serious two inches of standing water that seems to be growing. The smell, oh the smell, need I describe it here? Who among us hasn’t taken the giant whiff of stagnant sewage that curls the nose hairs and clenches the throat? And yes, there are brown bits, tiny little flecks of gross bobbing along that seem to spreading from the back stall, the handicapped one.

Like any sane person only making $8.50 an hour, I begin my retreat. Carefully stepping backwards out of the door, I’m envisioning the BATHROOM CLOSED sign I’ll be handcrafting from stray markers hidden in the kid’s department desk. But then I notice I am not alone. The handicapped stall door is shut and there are feet beneath it. Bare feet. And these feet aren’t standing still in shock and horror. They seem to be splashing. Doing a sort of Irish jig mixed with pompom stomping. They seem to be blissfully unaware of me.

I, however, am a bit stupefied by these feet. I realize I should say something, but the my two days of retail training did not cover the friendly, positive, customer service centric way to handle this event. So I try “Sir, are you alright?” No answer. “Sir, is everything okay?” No answer still. Only the slap of water on tile answers and my stomach begins to retch. I realize that my training did provide me with one course of action—get the manager. I flee the encroaching sea of poop water to find Ralph, the assistant manager with the best sense of humor.

After many minutes of “What?,” “You’re shitting me,” and “What the hell . . .”, he charges into the bathroom with me in tow. After a quick inventory of the situation (the feet are still happily slashing away), Ralph tries the hard line approach: “Sir, if you don’t exit the bathroom immediately, we’ll have to call the police.” Splashing stops. We hear a sigh and the stall door opens. Out comes a completely normal looking guy. Completely normal. He’s got on khaki’s and a button down shirt, he’s maybe forty tops, his hair is trimmed and there’s absolutely nothing about him that looks crazy. Except that his khakis are rolled up just below his knees and visibly damp. And he’s holding his sock stuffed shoes in one hand. With his head bowed, he leads the way out.
As you can imagine, the story of the poop walker quickly spread among the bookstore. We found it quite funny, as well as quite gross, and both Ralph and I had retold it at least five times in the half hour after it happened. Then I got a call at the customer service desk from Pam over in music. She asked what the poop walker looked like. I described him and she asked “blue shirt?” “Why, yes,” I said. “He’s still here,” she said, “browsing the Action DVD’s.” I darted over to the music section and low and behold, there was our poop walker, reading the back of a Vin Diesel DVD. He had put his shoes on and unrolled his pants but both were still damp. He took one look at me and left the store, perhaps never to be seen again.

But I know he’s out there. I imagine he travels from big box store to big box store just waiting for an empty bathroom so that the poop dance can begin. By day he may be an accountant or an executive assistant or some sort of analyst but by night he is the poop walker. Please report any sightings.

20 Comments leave one →
  1. January 31, 2008 2:06 AM

    1st!That guy is a certifiable nutcase…. eeeeeeeeewwwwwwww….. so he used the bathroom, blocked it so that it overflowed, and did the 2 step in his own poop water….. Yuk! And you would think shame would’ve driven him out of the store… but he still had the gall to go and look at movies abi books… lawd…….

  2. January 31, 2008 3:51 AM

    Man, that’s just not right on so many levels. Jeez!! I thought the toilet/kitchen at work (My fellow ‘team-mates!) was bad, but damn!!!! We should be thankful, though, that this didn’t happen in a restaurant.

  3. January 31, 2008 7:39 AM

    hahaha, will definitely report any sighting 🙂

  4. January 31, 2008 11:34 AM

    @Honeywell-And you know the funny part? Apparently the guy looked “normal.” So did the lady that peed in the bank [See: Adventures in the bank]. It’s always the “normal” looking ones.@Aworan-OMG! If it happened in a restaurant it would’ve definitely ended up on the news. I don’t even want to think about it. Eww@Ugo D-Lol please do. How are the wedding plans going?

  5. January 31, 2008 12:32 PM

    wooooooooooow!!! wow! i cant even begin to imagine what my reaction wud be if i was the one that saw that ish myself. i will proly still think its some kindda joke.You, Ms. Rayo, have given me the biggest laff of the day dot dot dot congratulations!!!

  6. January 31, 2008 1:33 PM

    eeeeeeeeeeeeewh, nasty shameless man.. ewwwwh!

  7. January 31, 2008 3:12 PM

    Thats nasty and funny as fuck LOL

  8. January 31, 2008 5:17 PM

    eww that gross!!! so who cleaned the mess?

  9. January 31, 2008 5:36 PM


  10. January 31, 2008 7:58 PM

    This is the weirdest story i’ve ever heard. It beats my imagination why he would do that. I wonder if it’s some kind of fetish. He can’t be normal though, something is definitely not right with that dude.

  11. January 31, 2008 8:01 PM

    you’re like a lightning rod, rayo. How do these people ‘happen’ to you? It’d be interesting to spend a week around you.

  12. January 31, 2008 8:10 PM

    Loving ur blog by the way. Interesting stuff. I just read ur liquid nitrogen post. i work in an obesity research lab and we have to use that stuff sometimes, and believe me when i say i never volunteer to go get liquid nitrogen. That shit scares me.

  13. January 31, 2008 10:31 PM

    *looks around completely confused and disgusted*…what the hell?…what sick person gets joy from stomping shit?…*shakes her head and vows to leave the country sooner than she planned*…

  14. February 1, 2008 6:49 AM

    LOL… that’s drop dead disgusting…

  15. February 1, 2008 10:21 AM

    @Incog-lmao!! I’m glad I could serve you your dose of comedy for the day.@Sha-Very shameless…I’m still trying to figure out why he did it.@T-Dawg-I have an even nastier/hilarious story that I came across…definitely not for the weak at heart…I’ll prolly post it later.@Zephi-I have no idea…the lady never mentioned it in the story. But I’m guessing they definitely didn’t clean it themselves.@Honeywell-Yes…she dropped her pants and underwear and peed in the bank@Bubbles-It baffles me too…but then it’s always the normal looking ones that do the craziest things…at least from my experience.@Laspapi-You know, it’s funny because I’m always complaining about how boring my life is. And yes, it would be interesting to spend a week around me; it would be like spending an entire week on an acid trip.Guerreira-lmao!! Ma’fact, my bags are already packed@Unnaked-haha pretty much

  16. February 1, 2008 11:21 AM

    that’s really disgusting!

  17. February 1, 2008 5:39 PM

    The world is going mad. The other day a young black man was in court over a poop incident.

  18. February 1, 2008 9:29 PM

    @Naija is@IMHAM-Oh goodness, where did he poop?

  19. February 4, 2008 2:44 AM

    I guess there are many out there….

  20. February 4, 2008 5:25 AM

    lmao!!! haha!! that guy has some serious issues!

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