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December 6, 2014

Got this from a Nigerian forum. Thought is was funny

1. Homosexuality is not natural. Real Nigerians always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

2. Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

3. Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4. Heterosexual marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5. Straight marriage will be less meaningful if homosexual marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britney Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be lost.

6. Heterosexual marriages are valid because they produce children. Homosexual couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

7. Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8. Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

9. Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10. Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

December 6, 2014

Naija joke of the day:

UGLY CHILD

One day, a Nigerian woman got on a bus with her new baby.

On entering, the driver exclaimed that the baby she was holding was the ugliest creature he’d ever seen in his life.

The woman felt bad and insulted but ignored the driver’s comment and went right to the back seat on the bus.

After settling down, the woman told her seat mate about the driver’s comment. The woman got angry in sympathy and said, “Go back up front and tell him off! I will hold your monkey for you!”

I’M NOT NIGERIAN…REALLY!

A Nigerian man living in Sweden decided to marry a Swedish woman in order to be legally certified via resident status… but the woman was not aware of this. She felt he really loved her. Anyway, seeing that Nigerian men had a bad rap in that particular part of Sweden, our chap decided to lie to the lady. He told her he was from Uganda.

After being married a while, the lady came home one day and informed our man that she had just met another Swedish lady who had married a Ugandan and they must all have dinner together.

The Naija man was worried and wondered how he’d get out of this wahala (trouble). He postponed and postponed the dinner until he couldn’t find anymore excuses.

Finally, the day came when they were to have dinner. The other Swede came in with her Ugandan husband and they all sat at the table. Our Naija guy was very quiet. “My own don spoil today” was all he could think.

The two Swedish ladies, wanting their husbands to mingle, being from the same homeland, asked them to speak to each other. “Hey! It’s not every day you meet people from home.!”

Our Naija man, being a man of great sense, decided that he would just speak Yoruba, and the guy would probably assume he was from some part of Uganda where they spoke a different language. So looking across the table he said: “Egbon Eko ni mi se! Ni bo lo ti ja wa?”( In Yoruba, this means: “I’m a Lagos man. Where do you come from?”)

The fellow looked up at our friend. His eyes lit up as he said: “Ah, bobo gan! Omo Eko ni mi Se! Omo Eko gan gan!” (In Yoruba, this means “Hey buddy! I’m a Lagos child. A REAL Lagos child.”)

Airport Crime Test

A study was conducted recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world.

The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper. He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.

In Brussels, Belgium the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.

In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.

At Heathrow, London the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.

In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.

In Los Angeles it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.

At Lagos, Nigeria, the people conducting the study were robbed on the way to the airport and the briefcase was stolen along with the car!

December 6, 2014

I saw a homeless man today, who looked as though he was once someone.

He stood on the busy street corner, the sun burning his eyes while the hot pavement blistered his feet.

It was nearly 100 degrees outside and yet he wore his many layers of clothing, composing himself like a regal king.

I knew I would have collapsed under such heat and yet here was this man who thrived under it.

Once a civil servant, lawyer, doctor, father, uncle, son?

I don’t know.

But as he humbly stood at the corner, pacing up and down as he hoped someone would spear him some change or give him the time of day, too proud to beg, I began to have a change of heart.

As I was pondering what his story was, I realized that he was staring at me; we made eye contact,

I looked away. But the look of sorrow/ anger/ regret in his eyes gave me a rush of sadness.

I looked at him again, but his eyes now told me that in some weird way, he was content with what he had.

I realized that despite all the material things I had around me, I was still not content, and here was a man who had nothing and yet, had everything.

The light turned green but I did not move on, rather, I parked my car in a lot and took the bus to work.

I wasn’t exactly experiencing what he was going through, but at least the money that would have been spent on the gas to take me to work would now be used for a better cause.

He will never know that he was the one who gave me the time of day, never realize that he changed my life and taught me one of the most valuable lessons in life,

not to be wasteful.

But maybe he will know,

when he sees me passing by,

greeting him with a silent thank you,

through the window of the bus.

This goes out to the homeless man.

Dating Behind Your Parents’ Backs

December 6, 2014

Stole this from someone’s blog a while ago…this will definitely help out a lot of my foreign friends.

The Dating-Behind-Your-Parents’-Backs Commandments

Follow these simple rules, and things should run smoothly…

1. Telleth not thy parents.

Under no circumstances should you tell your parents. No matter how understanding you think they might be, telling them will result in exile to Siberia.

2. Notify thy friends of thine alibis.

If you ever use a friend as an alibi, NOTIFY THAT FRIEND! It’s really sad when I get a call from a friend’s parents that sound like this:
*ring*
Me: Hello.
Parent: Hey how’s the dance?
Me: What dance?
Parent: Is *insert name* with you?
Me: Umm…no…I’m at home.
Parent: Well forget about talking to *Insert name* for a very long time. His ass is grass.

3. Details details details…

Nothing’s worse than getting caught in a web of lies, so make sure all details are covered with your friends. God knows this looks pathetic:
Parent: So where were you?
You: I was at a dance.
Parent: Really? Where was this dance?
You: Roosevelt.
Parent: But Adam said the dance was at Wootton…
Real smooth, jackass.

4. Cover thy tracks.

This includes IM windows, emails, birthday cards, letters, pictures, etc. A surefire way to get caught is to leave an IM window up that reads:
Girlfriend’s Exact Name 87: I love you so much. What time are you coming over?
You: I love you too. Around 8 PM…I told my parents I was going to a dance so I gotta be home around 11.
Girlfriend’s Exact Name 87: Cool, remember to bring the condoms OK?
Case and point.

5. Honor thy household.

If you’re going to do it (which I heavily oppose), keep the hanky-panky outta the house. Getting caught in the house doing your business is a great way to get sent back to *insert country*

6. Tell thy friends of thy parents’ rules.

You have a friend come over for dinner. At the dinner table, your friend discusses how you guys went on a double-date last week. Oops! Tell him the rules next time, jackass…

7. Thy siblings matter too.

Make sure your siblings are on the same page as you. They can serve as great allies if they know what’s going on. But pay attention to what they think, because no one knows you better than them.

Follow these rules and you’ll sail problem-free. Violate them, and baaaad stuff will happen.

Some of you also need to read the book mentioned below.

Ramadan Kareem

July 23, 2012

 

 

Aside from fantasizing about your next meal, Ramadan (the most important month in the Islamic calendar), is a time when you’re supposed to purify your soul, refocus attention on God, and practice self-sacrifice.

For my fellow Muslims, I (my aunt) found this very nice tool online that helps you to keep the important things in focus during Ramadan. IWantJannah.com has a nice Journey Planner and, according to the site,

“This is the ultimate planning tool for Ramadhan and lasting creating change in a month. The e-book and videos will give you psychology inspirations, simple intervention to make you happier, Islamic inspiration as well as a short discussion of an ayat of the Qur’an.”

I’m too tired/hungry to type any more but I pray that Allah will give us all the strength to get closer to him in our faith.

Ramadan Kareem & Jazakallah Khayran!

Nigeria: Day Two – Driving

March 17, 2012

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I’ve never played Grand Theft Auto…never even seen a demo of it. But I imagine that the way people drive in this country is comparable to someone driving a stolen car during a high speed police chase. Driving through the market just now, the driver knocked off another vehicle’s mirror and nobody even reacted. Also passed an upturned oil tanker and still, people have decided that the best thing to do is drive toward oncoming traffic.

*sigh*

What is the rush, people??? Chill out and enjoy the hazy, polluted skyline for a change.
….

It’s still hot as hell. Thankfully, though, it’s not as bad as it was yesterday. I’m soooo ready to leave Ibadan and go to Lagos. Despite the fact that I grew up here, everyone I know is in Lagos.

Nigeria: Day One – HEAT!!!!!

March 16, 2012

You know that type of heat where you just want to remove all your clothes and shave off all your hair? Yea…that’s how hot it is in Ibadan right now. To make it worse, NEPA has decided that they don’t like me and therefore, there’s no power…which means no AC during the day. Arrrgh!! I have to conserve my phone’s battery so I can’t say much more.

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